17 June 58 BCE: From Cicero (at Thessalonica) to Atticus (in Rome)
'Can I forget what I once was, or fail to understand what I am now?'
Your letter has informed me of public goings-on up to May 25th; I am waiting for the rest, as you suggested, at Thessalonica. When this information arrives, I shall find it easier to decide where to stay. If I have supporters, if things are happening, if I see reason to hope, I shall either wait here or come over to you.1 But if, as you write, those possibilities are vanishing, I shall look somewhere else.
Certainly, so far you have all told me nothing except that those men have fallen out.2 Yet this pertains to literally everything other than myself, and so I don’t know how this benefits me. But still, so long as you all want me to hope, I shall obey.
You tell me off so often and so forcefully, and say I am cowardly. But please, tell me, is there any evil at all that is so great it has been absent from the calamity I face? Is there anyone at all who has fallen from a position so high, with so great a cause, such talent and skill, intelligence, influence, and such strong support from all good men? Can I forget what I once was, or fail to understand what I am now, what I have lost: honour, glory, children, fortune, brother? I mention him to direct you to a new type of calamity: I value him more than I do myself and always have, and I have avoided meeting him, so that I don’t have to see his grief and desolation, or show him—who left me when I was in my prime—my current ruined and miserable state.
I omit the rest—it is unbearable. Even now I am overcome by tears. Now, must I be blamed for either my pain, or else the offence of either not holding onto these things (and this would have been easy if plans for my destruction did not originate within the walls of my own house3), or not at least losing my life along with them?
I write this so that you may comfort me, as you do, rather than think I deserve chastising and telling off; and I do not write more to you because I am weighed down by grief, and because I am waiting for news from Rome rather than having anything to write about myself. When the news arrives, I will let you know my plans. As you have done so far, please write to me about as many matters as you can, so that there is absolutely nothing I am unaware of.
Sent June 17th, from Thessalonica.
Latin text of Cic. Att. 3.10 | Glossary | Where is Cicero?
Atticus had evidently mentioned that he might visit his estate in Epirus, where it would not be difficult for Cicero to visit him.
The First Triumvirate.
Cicero repeats the accusation that because they were jealous of him, some of his ‘friends’ (Hortensius especially) betrayed him by advising him to flee into exile rather than attempt to stand up to Clodius.