17th May 44 BCE: To Atticus (at Rome) from Cicero (at Puteoli)
Cicero has been talking to Hirtius, whom he does not trust
How terrible about Alexio! It is unbelievable how much it has upset me, and by Hercules, nor for the most part for the reason many people think, when they ask So where will you find a doctor?’ What need do I have for a doctor now? Or if I do need one, is there such a great lack of them? I miss his love for me, his humanity and sweetness. This too: how can we not be afraid when a man so self-controlled, the best doctor, is suddenly overwhelmed by such a sickness? But there is a single source of consolation for all of these things: that the condition of our birth is such that we must not reject that which can happen to anybody.
About Antony, I wrote to you before that I did not meet him. He came to Misenum while I was in Pompeii, then he left before I found out that he had come. But by chance, Hirtius was with me in Puteoli when I read your letter. I read it to him and made the case.1 First, when it comes to you, he says he cares as much as I do. Then, in short, he appointed me as judge, not just of this matter, but of his consulship as a whole. I will make the case to Antony so that he understands that if he helps us enough, I will be his entirely. I hope Dolabella is at home.
Let us return to our friends. You say you have high hopes, due to the humanity of the edicts. But when on the 16th Hirtius was setting out from my house at Puteoli to meet Pansa at Naples, I understood his thinking entirely. For I drew him to the side and incited him in favour of peace. He could not deny that he wants peace, but he said that he fears war from our friends as much as from Antony, and that both sides have good cause for being on guard, but that he fears war from both of them. In short, there is nothing genuine about him.
I agree with you about the younger Quintus. Certainly, his father was very grateful for your lovely letter. I satisfied Caerellia easily.2 She didn’t seem greatly troubled by it, and if she had been, I certainly would not have been. About that woman that you write has been bothering you, I am amazed that you listened to her at all. Just because I praised her highly among friends, with three of her sons and your daughter listening—so what? Why should I have to walk around in a mask? Is the mask of old age itself not ugly enough?
That Brutus asks me to come to Rome before the 1st—he wrote to me about it too, and maybe I shall. But I clearly don’t know what he wants. For how can I give him advice, when I need advice myself, and when he has given more thought for his own immortality than to peace for all? The rumour about the Queen is dying out.3 About Flamma, please do whatever you can.
Read Ad Atticum 15.1 in Latin here | Check the glossary here
About Buthrotum.
Caerellia seems to have been acting as an intermediary about something between Cicero and the family of his ex-wife Publilia.
An otherwise unknown rumour about Cleopatra that Cicero had mentioned in Cic. Att. 14.20.