20 June 44 BCE: To Atticus (at Rome) from Cicero (at Tusculum)
Cicero despairs, and thinks about death, and leaving Italy, and his financial problems
I have thanked Vettienus. He could not have been kinder. Let Dolabella give me whatever orders he wants, as long as it is something—I could take a message to Nicias. Who would question it? No-one with any sense doubts that I am leaving out of desperation, on on a legation.
You say that people are talking about the end of the Republic—and good men, too. I began to worry on the day that I heard that tyrant referred to as ‘a most distinguished man’ in a public speech. But after I (along with you) saw our friends at Lanuvium with only as much hope of living as they had been afforded by Antony, I despaired.1 And so, my Atticus, please read this with as much bravery as I have in writing it: regarding the type of death that Catulus chose as shameful, and almost what has been imposed on us by Antony, I have decided to escape from this net, not to go into exile, but in hope of a better death.2 Brutus is to blame for all of this.
You write that Pompeius has been received at Caieta; so there’ll soon be an army against that man. Which camp shall I go to? For Antony has removed all possibility of a middle way. One side is weak, the other unspeakably evil. So we must hurry. But help me decide whether to leave from Brundisium or Puteoli. Brutus is leaving suddenly, but sensibly. I feel something about it. When again shall I see him? But we are human, and must bear these things. Not even you can see him. May the gods damn that man, even dead, for ever getting involved with Buthrotum!3 But what’s done is done; let’s see what we must do.
I have almost found out about Eros’ accounts, although I have not seen him in person, both from his letter, and from what Tiro found out. You write that I must take out a new loan of 200,000 sesterces for five months, so until November 1st; that is the day when the money Quintus owes is due. So please, since Tiro says that you wouldn’t like me to come to Rome to deal with this, if the situation doesn’t bother you, please see where the money should come from, and bill me for the expense. I feel this is what is needed for now. I shall inquire into the rest more carefully with the man himself, including about the rents from the dowry properties. If these are provided faithfully to my son, although I want to indulge him more, still, he will lack almost nothing. For my part, I shall also need money for the journey. The first can come from property as the rents are paid, but I shall need it all at once. Certainly, although it seems to me that that man, who is afraid of shadows, is heading towards a massacre, I shall not leave until I’ve sorted out my payments.4 Whether things can be sorted out or not, I shall find out with you.
I thought I should write these things in my own hand, and so I have done so. About Fadius—as you write; certainly to no-one else. I would like it if you could reply today.
Read Ad Atticum 15.20 in Latin here | Check the glossary here
‘Our friends at Lanuvium’ i.e. Brutus and Cassius.
Quintus Lutatius Catulus chose to suffocate himself to death when Gaius Marius retook Rome during the civil wars of the 80s BCE, rather than to be inevitably found guilty in a trial in which Marius’ nephew was prosecuting him.
‘That man’ is Caesar, who first proposed the plan that Buthrotum be designated a colony for his soldiers. Also—Aeneas has just reached Buthrotum in Aeneid Daily!
‘That man’ is Antony. His jumping at shadows might be related to ‘the consuls’ pretence at fear’, perhaps pretending to be scared of an assassination by the Liberators.